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Permalink Reply by RTZGUITARS on October 30, 2014 at 8:06am

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Permalink Reply by nailtown slim on October 31, 2014 at 9:31am

A man went looking for a unique sort of pet for his daughter's tenth birthday, the man in the pet shop said 'well, we have a talking centipede, the only one known to exist, is that unique enough for you? the trouble is, it's £500'! The man agreed to listen to it speak before offering to buy it, he liked what he heard and off he went with the centipede in a large shoe box! He got home to find a note from his daughter saying she'd gone to a friend's house for a sleepover and would see him tomorrow! He looked at the shoe box and said 'well, I'm off out for a pint or two then, do you want to come with me and meet my mates'? No answer, so he asked again, still, no answer! 'O.K. then' he said 'I've asked you twice you miserable bastard, I'll go on my own'! And a little voice came from inside the shoe box saying 'hang on a minute you impatient twat, I'm putting my shoes on'!

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on October 31, 2014 at 10:17am

X-D

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Permalink Reply by Pascal on November 12, 2014 at 1:45am

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

   Nick the Dragon Slayer was obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

   He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to 

   touch them, but he had to try. 

 

   One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the 

   Physician, the King's chief doctor. 

   Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick 

   to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold 

   coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme. 

    

   The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured 

   a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she 

   dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being 

   summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, 

   Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, 

   if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, 

   and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the 

   kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to 

   cure the itch. 

    

   The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their 

   chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching 

   powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, 

   Nick  worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.  

   The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied 

   and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero. 

    

   Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his 

   payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, 

   Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never 

   report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.  

    

   The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching 

   powder into the King's underwear. 

 

   The King immediately summoned Nick.

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on November 12, 2014 at 1:48am

lol !! 

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Permalink Reply by Pascal on November 13, 2014 at 8:32am

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on November 13, 2014 at 9:05am

lol  ;-)

 

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Permalink Reply by nailtown slim on November 29, 2014 at 2:27pm

A man is up in court charged with killing his wife, her mother and the mother's sister with a hammer!

The judge said 'you are charged with killing your wife with a hammer, how do you plead'? the man replied 'guilty your honour'! Someone in the public gallery shouted 'bastard'! The judge said 'you are charged with killing your mother in law with a hammer, how do you plead'? Again the man replied 'guilty your honour'! again someone shouted from the public gallery 'bastard'! The Judge said 'you are charged with killing your wife's aunt with a hammer, how do you plead'? Again the man replied 'guilty your honour'! and yet again someone in the public gallery shouted 'bastard'! The judge said 'who keeps shouting bastard'? An old gentleman stood up and said 'me your honour, it was me who shouted'! The judge said 'you seem very angry, are you related to the murdered ladies'? He said 'no your honour, I'm the next door neighbour, and I've lived next door to that bastard for twenty five years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he hadn't got one, THE LYING BASTARD'!

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on November 29, 2014 at 2:34pm

lol..  ;-)

    gave  me  a real  chuckle  ;-)

 

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Permalink Reply by Brown Water Jerry (Rice) on November 30, 2014 at 12:46am

Me too!

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on November 30, 2014 at 1:27am

;-)

pfft  ..  i  aint   goin  through  all  that  work .   ;-)

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Permalink Reply by Pascal on November 30, 2014 at 6:56am

took my wife for a nice diner and a after party in a nightclub for our 25th anniversary.
on the dancefloor there was a man dancing that would make professional dancer jaleous. my wife said to me
"25 years ago i turned that man down and got together with you"
i replied: "looks like he is still celebrating that"


thatś how the fight started

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