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SO... A DUCK WALKS INTO A HARDWARE STORE .....

A duck walks into a hardware store and asks the manager:
- "Got any fresh fruit?"
- ummm "No." this is a hardware store .. we sell hardware stuff .
- "Got any fresh oranges or apples ?"
- "No.! I just told you , this is a hardware store .
The next day, the duck returns:
- "Got any fresh fruit?"
- "No." !!!!
- "Got any oranges or apples ?"
- "No.!!!! I told you yesterday, we don’t sell that stuff here ! and If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor so you get the hint !!!"
the next day, the duck walks in and asks:
- "Got any nails?"
- "NO!!!!."
- "Got any fresh fruit?"

this is just one of those lil jokes that stick with ya .. you may find yourself chuckling about it in an hour from now .. even rehearsing it later tonight .. not sure why , or what it is about this joke ,, but its addictive .. so i thought i'd share .

you can thank me or blame me later

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Permalink Reply by Thomas "Duck" Petry on February 21, 2014 at 3:59am

Don't screw with the elder !

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up
with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying
that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How
about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach
the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa
told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on February 21, 2014 at 6:05am

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Permalink Reply by nailtown slim on March 20, 2014 at 12:37pm

I recently met a Chinese friend who'd won some money on the lottery and decided to buy a business of some sort!

I asked him if he'd bought anything yet? he said 'oh yes Slim, I buy a crow's shop'! I said 'do you mean a clothes shop'?

He said 'no, a crow's shop, next time you in town, you come and I let you have a rook'!

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Permalink Reply by Thomas "Duck" Petry on March 20, 2014 at 12:44pm

Rots of ruck with your rook.

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on March 20, 2014 at 2:43pm

"is it pronounced " Hawaii " , or " Havaii" ?

" Havaii"

"ok thank you ".

"you're velcome "

:-o

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Permalink Reply by darryl kernaghan on May 19, 2014 at 1:33am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkmeoYKYctw

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Permalink Reply by darryl kernaghan on May 20, 2014 at 11:15pm

2 old jewish guys are sitting on a park bench,the younger one [80 years old],has just watched the older[87 year old],finish his daily 5 mile run.Says ,'Abe,i don,t know how you do it',Abe replies 'rye bread,yep rye bread every day keeps me going and it works a treat helping me satisfy the ladies as well'.Well Sol considers this and on the way home he stops at the bakery and asks for 5 loaves of rye bread.The lady in the bakery is abit taken aback and says '5 loaves?by the time you,ve had 3 it,ll be hard!'Sol just walks away muttering 'how come every one knows about this shit cept me?'

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on May 21, 2014 at 3:12am

lol ;-)

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Permalink Reply by RTZGUITARS on May 21, 2014 at 4:11am

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on May 21, 2014 at 7:15am

lol

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Permalink Reply by nailtown slim on May 22, 2014 at 1:16pm

Paddy bumped into Father Murphy in the park and Father Murphy said 'Jazus Paddy that's an awful rare black eye you've got there, where did you get that?' Paddy said 'I was sitting in Mick O'Brien's house last night, he came home from the pub, and without saying a word he punched me in the feckin' eye so he did Father'! Father Murphy said 'did he now? and did yer not have anything in yer hand you could have hit him with Paddy'? Paddy said 'only Mrs Murphy's right tit Father, and to be honest with yer, it wouldn't have been much good in a fight'!