I know this has probably been posted before, but


DRILL PRESS: A tall
upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and
then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to
make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes
used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding
tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing
jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used
almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to
remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly
used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC
FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT
SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY
BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool
used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of
war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool
that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the
top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.