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Permalink Reply by Bad Finger (Eric) on February 3, 2013 at 6:19am

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are speeding down the Autobahn and are pulled over by the Autobahnpolizei. Heisenberg, at the wheel is asked, "Do you know how fast you were going? "

He replies, "No but I know exactly where I was!"

Seeing a suspicious package, the officer inspects. "Do you know you have a dead cat in this box?", he asks.

Schrodinger screams out, "Well now I do!"

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Permalink Reply by skuff watson on February 4, 2013 at 10:19am

THE TOILET SEAT (as told by some unknown husband)
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.  Julie wrapped a sheet around

herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed!!"

.

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on February 4, 2013 at 1:11pm

XD

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Permalink Reply by Bad Finger (Eric) on February 6, 2013 at 7:22am

Nice....

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Permalink Reply by skuff watson on February 6, 2013 at 10:45am

studentnurse appears and gives   him a partial spongebath.

    "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

       Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir.

I'm  onlyhere to wash your upper body and feet." 

   He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are  my testicles black?

     Concerned that he might elevate his bloodpressure and heart rate from  worrying about his testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassmentand  pulls back  the covers.

  She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testiclesgently in the other. 

   She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with  them,Sir. They look fine."

  The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and  says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now  listen very, very closely:   

  Are - my - test - results back?"

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on February 6, 2013 at 11:07am

XD

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Permalink Reply by Thomas "Duck" Petry on February 9, 2013 at 7:53am

Gun Control At Cabela's!

It already has started at Cabela's
 
 There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets,  the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
 
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
 
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
 
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
 
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
 
 
I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD!!

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on February 9, 2013 at 8:28am

lol  ..     i  know  the  feeling  ..  im  still  tryin  to  get  my  money   back   for  that stupid  bird seed  .

what  a crock  ,,,  i planted the whole     bag  ..  not  one friggan  bird  grew !  :-/

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Permalink Reply by skuff watson on February 9, 2013 at 8:29am

Been there, done that!  ;p

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Permalink Reply by Thomas "Duck" Petry on February 9, 2013 at 9:22am

A Missouri State trooper pulled a car over on Hwy 5 about 2 miles south of the Morgan/Camden County line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Springfield Mo to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Osage Beach got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

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Permalink Reply by Clock The Wolf on February 9, 2013 at 10:16am

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Permalink Reply by the anonymous pick on February 9, 2013 at 11:23am

cop  pulls  over  a redneck  . 

  cop says   "got any  ID ?" .

redneck says    ... "bout  what  ? "  

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