A duck walks into a hardware store and asks the manager:
- "Got any fresh fruit?"
-  ummm "No."  this  is a hardware store  .. we sell  hardware stuff .
- "Got any fresh oranges  or apples ?"
- "No.!  I  just told  you  , this  is a hardware store  .
The next day, the duck returns:
- "Got any fresh fruit?"
- "No."   !!!!
- "Got any oranges  or apples ?"
- "No.!!!!  I told you yesterday,  we don’t sell  that stuff    here  !   and If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor so  you  get the  hint !!!"
the next  day, the duck walks in and asks:
- "Got any nails?"
- "NO!!!!."
- "Got any fresh fruit?"

this  is  just one of those lil  jokes  that stick  with ya  ..   you  may  find yourself  chuckling  about it    in  an hour from  now  ..  even rehearsing  it  later  tonight  ..  not  sure  why    , or  what it  is about this joke  ,,  but  its addictive  ..    so  i  thought i'd share .

you  can thank  me  or  blame  me  later 

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almost soiled ma pants, thanks buddy!

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a bee’s dick off each side and put the bastard back up."

Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."

When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."

a    very  christian husband  and   wife    were  shopping ,  and  saw  a frozen  fish   product  called  "shitty   fish  " .   the    woman  was  shocked   at  first  ,   but  the husband  just assured  her  it  was a fluke    in    an actual  name  .     simular to  "spotted dick  "  etc  ..  and they  should  be   more  understanding of  it  .

 so    they  relaxed  and figured  they  try  the   fish  , so  they  bought  it , and    took  it  home .

 

later   , at the dinner table   ,  the  husband says to  the wife  ..   "please  pass  the shitty  fish ".  

....  the  16  year  old son  piped  up  and   said    """ ALLRIGHT  DAD !!!!    WHOO  HOOO ! :-D ....  

PASS  THE FUCKIN  POTATOES !!!

  ;-)

 

 

:)

 



A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big

"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The
Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure,
but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him
a shot, so he gave him the
job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after
we close and see how you
did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After
the
store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many

customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks
at the floor and mutters, "One".

The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales
people average sales to 20 to 30
customers a day. That will have to change,
and soon, if you'd like to
continue your employment here. We have very
strict standards for our sales force
here in Florida. One sale a day might
have been acceptable in North
Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore,
son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so
the boss
felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked

(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid
looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The astonished boss says,
"$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first,
I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod to go with
his new hooks. Then I asked him where he
was going fishing and he said down
the coast, so I told him he was going to
need a boat, so we went down to the
boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to the
automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss
said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and a
TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his
wife, and I
said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go
fishing.........'"

lol

 

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."

ha   XD

Fair is fair.

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in
reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the
doctor.

"Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an
aspirin.'


'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish
Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even
taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things
went.'


It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who
directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith,
bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

' Really ?
What happened?' asked the doctor.


'Well, I did as you advised and
slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight
up, with a twinkle in his eye and with His pants a-bulging fiercely! With one
swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a
nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked
the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't
good?'


'Sweet jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But
sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks
again!'

XD

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